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  • Kate Forest

Princess and the Pea 2.0

Once upon a time, lived two young newlyweds—A prince graduate student and a princess social worker. They couldn’t afford much, but they purchased their ideal sleigh bed. It barely fit into their tiny two room apartment, which had I-80 on one side and CalTrans freight tracks on the other.

Seriously, the entire place shook when a train went by

Seriously, the entire apartment shook when a train went by

They put a futon mattress on top of the sleigh bed, and were happy.

The prince finished school, they both got well-paying jobs, and purchased a more adult-style mattress. Over the next 25 years, they had children and they moved to different cities. The sleigh bed went with them. The quality of the various mattresses they used was unimportant. And they were happy.

Then one day, the prince awoke with a sore hip and an achy back. Suddenly, they were middle-aged and “any old mattress” wouldn’t do.

The prince valiantly searched the internet for a solution with an eye toward budget, as the young prince would be going to college soon and the royal coffers were tied up in education savings plans.

He bought a mattress that would be delivered to their door. A few days later, the UPS of the realm left a very large box on their castle doorstep.

It was the softest mattress ever. Like sleeping on a cloud. The prince was happy, his pain disappeared. The princess, however, complained of neck pain and needed physical therapy because she could barely turn her head to back the royal Honda out of the castle driveway. The princess needed a firm mattress and could be found tiptoeing down the corridor to the guest room and its firmer bedding.

What was the couple to do? Would they be destined to sleep apart? Would their bedroom resemble a 1950s sitcom with two twin beds and a nightstand in between?

I loved this show

No, our brave prince would not stand for that. Again, he returned to the internet and found the enchanted company Helix. Helix will custom make a bed with one side to the prince’s liking and one for the princess. They asked their height, weight, position of preferred sleep. Whether they had wide shoulders or hips, which the princess found a bit impertinent, but answered anyway for the sake of her aging body. Helix was even concerned with the princess’s tendency to become overly warm during the night now that she was “of a certain age.”

After completing the questionnaire, they traveled to the showroom in NYC. There, the Helix representative “built” a mock bed for them to test, encouraging them to try it for at least 10 min. The princess requested a slight change and after the Helix man swapped out one type of foam for another, they were satisfied.

And they slept happily ever after.

Seriously, these mattresses are way cheaper than sleep number and hold up so much longer because there are no air pockets to adjust every night. You don’t need to go to the showroom. You can order online. Save your marriage, buy this bed. It is my royal decree.

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