Let’s just agree that humans are impacting the environment. I’m no scientist, and chances are you aren’t one either. So let’s trust the people who brought us penicillin, computers, and whatever magic chemical is in my anti-wrinkle cream. The earth is heating up and it’s our fault.

And I’ll leave it to those smarty pants to figure out solutions. I’m happy to drive a more efficient car, drive less, recycle, leave drinking straws for the people who truly need them. As long as I can still use my flat iron to cope with my frizzy hair, I’ll do whatever I’m called upon to do.

But seeing as the weather will get more extreme, here’s what I’d like to see happen when the earth warms:

1) A repurposing of bulky sweaters into dog beds. I hate sweater weather, and all of you freaks who enjoy itchy sheep fur against your skin will be out of luck. If you have to give up your knitted monstrosities you might as well give a doggie a cozy place to sleep.

2) All the wealthy people who previously had beachfront property, now have to live in my old apartment in Chicago. And the rest of us get free parking by the newly constructed boardwalk made of the planks from old mansions.

3) A wide social acceptance of the fan hat. Or hat fan. I don’t know what you call these things, but I have secretly wanted one. The only thing holding me back is the last shred of self-respect I have. Maybe it’s the last shred of self-delusion that people consider me a normal person they’d like to talk to.

4) A ban on socks. I hate wearing socks. I hate sorting socks. I also hate the basket of solo socks that sit next to my couch mocking me because I never get around to digging through them even though they are right where I watch TV and I end up buying all new socks anyway. So, hotter weather, no socks. Get used to my toes.

Of course, it would be nice if we all finally got our acts together and put up some solar panels. But until then, I’ll have a collection basket for those sweaters.